This week on The Bachelorette, Emily packed up her bags, her kid and her men and headed to London, England to ride around on double-decker buses and throw an F-bomb at one lucky guy. That’s right folks, this was the week we got to see a crack in Emily’s sweet, Southern belle demeanor thanks to a guy who thought Ricki should’ve been checked at the airport along with the rest of Emily’s baggage.
Prisoner of Love
The first one-on-one date this week went to Sean, one of the frontrunners in the competition so far. They went on a double-decker bus tour – gee, did Sean know that Emily had already done that with her kid? Not very special!
Sean and Emily seemed to really be getting along, and then he impressed me by carrying her bag. That says a lot about a man. Then Sean awkwardly got roped into making a public speech about love, and it was really uncomfortable but Emily Ate. It. UP.
Emily and Sean capped off the date by having a private dinner in the Tower of London. Emily was losing her voice, but they still had a good date and Emily gave him the rose.
While Emily and Sean were on their date, Jef was complaining about the amount of group dates he’d been on when Kalon informed him that by dating Emily every date he went on would be a group – him, Emily and Ricki. Because apparently Kalon has never heard of a babysitter.
Shakespeare in Love
Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, Travis, John and Kalon were selected for the group date and traveled to Stratford-Upon-Avon to act out some scenes from Romeo and Juliet with Emily. Sigh. I hate group dates like this.
Emily said she was looking for a guy who didn’t take himself too seriously and could put his ego aside and just act silly. Naturally, Kalon took it as seriously as possible. Some of the guys had to play the role of the nurse – and of course, Ryan was immediately excited that Arie would be playing a female role while he got to be the Romeo who kisses Juliet. Seriously? This guy thinks about Arie ten times more than he thinks about Emily.
The guy who really stood out was Travis, because he was cracking jokes and having loads of fun. By contrast, when Emily came to chat with Kalon and Ryan, Kalon was annoyed that his rehearsals were interrupted and shooed Emily away. Whaaa? You’re not Russell Crowe, dude! Your end goal is impressing Emily, and refusing to make conversation so you can run lines for a silly play is NOT the way to do it.
Arie was so nervous to “perform”, but he actually ended up being hilarious. Hear that, Kalon and Ryan? Emily was attracted to the guy in a wig, dress and putting on a silly high voice.
Get Outta Here, Romeo
After the Shakespeare crap, the real drama began. Emily spent some time with Arie and then Ryan, who gave her a necklace he’d probably found in the pub lost & found. Meanwhile, Kalon was complaining about waiting around to talk to “an exhausted, sick single mother who has a child waiting for her”. Um, then go home?
Chris and Arie were angry about Kalon’s ongoing comments about Emily and her life, and eventually word got around. Kalon didn’t deny that he referred to Ricki as “baggage”, and self-righteous single dad Doug was eventually the one to play whistleblower with Emily. Emily was furious, and told Doug she was trying to think of a ladylike way to deal with the situation – her idea was to go rip Kalon’s limbs off and beat him with them. I was totally on board with that idea.
Instead, Emily went to confront Kalon about it – in fact, she was going to go “West Virginia, hood rat, backwoods on his ass”. She even took off her jacket to do it, like a rowdy teenager about to get into a catfight at the mall. Awesome. Also awesome? Emily throwing Kalon’s “let me talk” back in his face. That was priceless.
Emily was angry at Kalon, and upset that it had taken so long for what he’d said to come to her attention. So she didn’t hand out the rose – I bet Doug was disappointed about that. He’s such a suck up, I’m sure half the reason he told Emily about Kalon was because he knew it would make him look good.
You and Eye
Emily’s next date was a one-on-one with Jef. Hey buddy, if you’re looking for an extra ‘F’ to spell your name with, I think Emily had a few spare ones last night! Emily and Jef went for afternoon tea with an etiquette teacher, because that’s super romantic and sexy.
Emily and Jef stole some sandwiches and bailed on their stuffy etiquette teacher to head to a nearby pub. Obviously it was scripted, but it was a bit funny. There, Jef confessed that he’d been around when Kalon was making his infamous baggage statement. They talked about what a jerk the guy is, and then went for an amazing dinner in the London Eye. OK, I officially want to be on The Bachelorette. That was cool.
So, Emily’s date with Jef went pretty well overall. Or did it go pretty wel overall? Seriously, how can you date a guy who spells Jef with only one ‘f’? If I spelled my name “Jil”, I would expect to be punched in the face on a daily basis.
At the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, Emily had a lot of questions for the guys about the Kalon situation. I’m annoyed that nice guys like Travis and Arie were in the line of fire, and meanwhile that douche Ryan was winning her over. He’s such a player! It’s all game, he doesn’t seem genuine at all. I can’t believe she’s falling for the guy who warned her not to get fat.
Doug got the first rose, likely as a reward for being the whistleblower. Next were Ryan (*cringe*), Chris, John, Travis and Arie. I guess she made Arie sweat because she was mad about the Kalon debacle. That meant we were saying goodbye to mushroom farmer Alejandro. I know I would never break up with a mushroom farmer, but Alejandro was one of the younger guys and he never really stood out. It wasn’t a surprise.
We’ve got a lot to look forward to, ya’ll. Next week Emily and the gang are heading to Croatia which looks beautiful and will feature every single guy falling in love with Emily. Ooh – except for one who ISN’T THERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS. There’s always one, right? Also, there were lots of previews that revealed who’ll go far in the competition. So thank ABC for that one, people who don’t like spoilers. And we can get excited for Emily to continue her transformation into the first ever Oompa Loompa Barbie (I bet she’s regretting only bringing along SPF 15 instead of 45), and cry over falling in love with more than one man.